Xbox malfunction causes crisis of faith

burning xbox

The God of Abraham and Isaac exacting his wrath on Bill Gate's plaything

Area Christian, Blane Harrison, experienced a crisis of faith Thursday after discovering the infamous “Red Ring of Death” on his Xbox 360. According to friends closest to Harrison, the permanent malfunction of the Xbox gaming system has triggered “serious doubts in terms of the goodness or even the existence of God.”

Harrison first encountered the fortuitous red ring early Thursday afternoon, while attempting to start his gaming system for a long anticipated, afternoon-long session of “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.” Upon pressing the system’s power button, Harrison expected to see the usual flashing green lights (a signal that the system is initializing properly). Instead, the 20-year-old Pre-Ministry student was stunned to see the ominous flashing red lights. His worst nightmare was realized when the flashing red light became a permanent red light, indicating that the Xbox 360 system was now in a state of permanent disrepair and that Harrison’s faith was now in a state of crisis.

“I just wanted to play a little ‘Call of Duty’ you know? I had no idea that the Lord would turn his back on me,” said Harrison. According to his roommates, shortly after the tragic discovery Harrison was seen running from his room screaming “WHY DO YOU KEEP [expletive] ON ME LORD? WHEN DOES IT END!? “ Harrison then reportedly went into a 15 minute tirade, comparing himself to Job, the oft-mentioned Old Testament character who’s faith in God was tested in order for the Almighty to achieve victory in a wager against Satan.

“I just don’t understand why the Lord has chosen to leave me in my hour of need,” said a visibly distraught Harrison. “It just doesn’t make sense why He would choose to afflict me.” The student went on to describe the ways in which he used the live-chat feature of Xbox Live to proselytize: “I know when the other players told me to ‘lick a nutsack,’ what they really meant was ‘Thanks Blane. Thanks for showing me the truth about how truly lost I am.’”

According to local pastor Pete Beauregard, serious doubt often arises from the loss of a loved one (or, in this case, a loved Xbox). “I know that ultimately the Lord is good, I just hope that Blane can find his way through this dark, dark time.” As of Friday, Harrison was still too distraught to participate in his church’s mission trip to Haiti.

This entry was posted in News and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Xbox malfunction causes crisis of faith

  1. superfan says:

    Man! This guy is hilarious! You guys should seriously considering giving him a raise

Leave a Reply