This week the American Psychological Association is updating its diagnosis manual, the DSM-V, with an updated list of new disorders. Among the newest maladies is one that is observed almost exclusively on the Southwestern University campus. It is called the “Southwestern University Condition of Kookyness” otherwise known as the SUCK.
Noted American psychologist, Shodden Freuda, had this to say about the SUCK: “We noticed this disorder while observing students of Southwestern University. It appears to be endemic to the region of Georgetown in particular but on campus it is the most noticeable. The disorder is one of the worst we’ve ever catalogued. Symptoms include: gossiping, an obsessive need to fit in, a disconnect with the outside world, an obsession with Yogobowl, aggressive boredom on Friday and Saturday nights, a dislike for the university newspaper, occasionally self-induced starvation due to poor food in the Commons, a case of senioritis the first week of school, massive regret over attendance, and alcoholism.”
There is a lot of debate in the contemporaneous psychological community as to what the best course of treatment would be. Some contend that studying abroad will cure it, yet others are skeptical. Dr. Jose Cuervo of the University of Pennsylvania stated, “Studying abroad works great for a semester, but symptoms quickly set back in once students return to school. I would say that the best course of action would be even more alcohol than what is already consumed. That will block out the misery.”
There has been little attention given to the disorder but many in the profession have started to take a more focused look at it, but of course at a distance due to the disorder’s incredible contagiousness. When a panel of psychologists came on campus, they immediately came down with a case of the SUCK and started viciously spreading rumors about each other and then retreated to the frat houses for a night of binge drinking. They later updated their Facebook photo albums of the event almost compulsively despite the fact their party outing was absolutely no different from any other college party in the history of time.
The symptoms of the disorder are most profoundly exhibited in philosophy majors who feel stuck in one spot for too long and begin to obsessively chant portions of Nietzsche’s “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” as they pine about how life is entirely meaningless and how Southwestern University is the only place they know and the real world will be as petty and boring as it.
Jake Schrum, the university president, said that the school will be including more activities to keep the students engaged and less nihilistic. According to Schrum, “Our current attraction is the cemetery near the school. So henceforth, we will be including more activities to combat this awful disorder. The current activities under consideration are: golf-cart racing using the carts that are driven by the groundskeepers, spot the douchebag (a game that involves taking pictures of d-bags and posting them on a student wall for points), and an eating contest over the Commons food (whoever can just stand to eat just Sunday’s crappy casserole dinner will automatically win).