This just in: The Sigs won’t be the only hipsters in Georgetown anymore. A ragtag band of metrosexuals, yuppies and hipsters are on an exodus from Austin because they believe that “a quaint small-town will totally be great fodder for an existential drama,” according to one posh immigrant. Upon further inquiry he said, “It’s going to be a lot like the ‘Grapes of Wrath’ – it’s a story about redemption and moving to the Promised Land. I think I’m going to title it ‘Grapes, and other non-meat environmental products from Whole Foods, of Wrath.’”
Not all residents are pleased. A local Sun City man was interviewed and said, “I hope those whippersnappers stay off of my lawn.” There is a committee to keep the hipsters and yuppies out. They will institute checkpoints upon entry into the city, which will check a new resident’s iPod. If there are any songs by Vampire Weekend or The Shins they are not allowed in.
Some Southwestern students aren’t happy either. One hipster student said, “This is horrible. Now when I go into Starbuck’s and drink my Chai Tea and write in my Moleskine notebook, I’ll be just like everybody else. I was so unique before I realized I’ve never been unique.”
Not everybody is against the migration. Poor people throughout East Austin are happy, in contrast with the general state of Georgetown. “I’m tired of them blaring Death Cab for Cutie at all hours,” said a local of the somewhat gentrified East Austin area. That wasn’t the only praise that was given for the hipsters’ move. Another man said, “I was always sick of seeing them talk about helping poor people and the environment and then they force us out and pollute the environment by driving to so many damn indie concerts. I was also sick of seeing them wearing those tight jeans.” When I informed him that tight jeans kill sperm count and would reduce the chances of hipsters having kids and further populating the area, he said, “Well, that’s alright.”
Some groups and tiny coffee shops around the Square are welcoming their newest customers. The proprietor of Cianfrani’s said, “Yuppies and upper-middle class white hipsters will put anything into their bodies if it is either called organic or Fair Trade. You could serve them Fair Trade and organic skunk testicles and they’d go wild for it. We’ll be rolling in dough.”
The mayor of Georgetown is crossing his fingers that, “none of our new residents realize just how crappy Georgetown is and how the most fun thing to do in this city is leaving.” Liquor stores are positive that the new residents will realize this. The owner of a local Twin Liquors store said, “They’ll soon understand how conservative, boring and Republican this place is and they’ll come here to drown their sorrows away. Just like Southwestern students do.”