Cosmo/Men's Health Breakdown

Two men...at a bus stop...reading Men's Health and Cosmo...Courtesy of Ellen Anne Burtner.

Two men...at a bus stop...reading Men's Health and Cosmo...Courtesy of Ellen Anne Burtner.

Rather than sitting alone on national S.A.D., we have boiled down Men’s Health and Cosmopolitan to clue you in to exactly where you were led wrong and why exactly your rocks are still on.

Cosmopolitan

1.  When your man is happy, you are happy.

2.  Your man is not happy.

3.  If you are not starving-fit, you aren’t having sex.

4.  3 essential sex positions can be infinitely manipulated into over 365 positions, and since you are clearly not having sex on top of your refrigerator while baking a cake and cooling some whip cream in the freezer, you are not making your man happy.

5.  Stilettos in bed is a good idea for everyone.

6. Your man needs more sex.

7.  Close your legs during from-behind sex.

8.  Keep your legs together for doggy style.

9.  Don’t separate your legs when he’s penetrating you from behind.

10.  Doggy style is best when there is more friction, so keep your thighs touching.

Men’s Health

1.  You will not be happy until you are built.

2.  You need to eat lots of meat to keep your testicles intact. Look at this picture of meat you’re not eating.

Oh!  The Horror!  Courtesy of Ellen Anne Burtner

Oh! The Horror! Courtesy of Ellen Anne Burtner

3.  Chicks will love you when you’re built.

4.  Listen to chicks when they speak, it’s the key to getting laid.

5.  Chicks get moody. If she rolls her eyes when you prompt her for sex, it’s that time of the month—you’re just going to have to pretend she doesn’t look bloated.

6.  Obesity leads to a lower libido, so work out more and have sex more.

7.  Working out more gets you laid.

8.  Chicks want you to enjoy sex.

9.  You look yummy covered in sweat, but not quite as hot as this guy.

10.  Eating meat & spinach = being Built = chicks = self-validation = happiness.

(Please note that this advice is universal, necessary, and sufficient for fulfillment. Deviance is discouraged and considered “unhealthy” or “unworldly”, especially for the procreating population.)

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4 Responses to Cosmo/Men's Health Breakdown

  1. Lane Hill says:

    To be honest, Men’s Health does win some points in my book because of their Eat This…Not That stuff, which is also good for women. Overall though, I agree with this fine piece of snark.

    (Oh, and did you know Cosmo started out as a literary magazine in the 1880s? They had an interview with Thomas Edison once!)

  2. J August says:

    I did not know that about Cosmo! What an interesting piece of trivia.

  3. Carissa says:

    neat insight lane, but you know i wrote this, right?

  4. Hi. I just want to say that it was a nice reading. I hope you come out with more interesting posts, because I bookmarked your website. All the best.

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