In a statement released last Thursday, the devil denied any involvement in the recent earthquake in Haiti, as well as any prior involvement in the tumultuous, catastrophic history of the impoverished island nation. The statement was released in response to prominent televangelist Pat Roberston’s claims that Haiti’s problems have arisen as a result of an agreement between Satan and the Haitian people. On Tuesday’s show, Roberston stated, “[The Haitians] were under the heel of the French, you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you will get us free from the prince.’ True story. And so the devil said, ‘Ok it’s a deal.’ And they kicked the French out. The Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another.’’
Hell spokesman, H. Longfellow Duffy, called the allegations “ludicrous” and stated that “any accusation of Satan’s involvement in a ‘pact’ with the Haitian people is unfounded and libelous.” Duffy continued to defend the Dark Lord by noting that at the time when such a pact is alleged to have occurred, the devil and his minions were “hard at work developing groundbreaking and innovative forms of temptation, including internet porn, homosexuality and rock and roll” and would have “had no time for that sort of nonsense.” Robertson, who is notorious for making controversial statements about national tragedies, also accused Satan of preventing Haiti from taking part in the overwhelming affluence of the neighboring Dominican Republic, which is “prosperous, healthy, [and] full of resorts.”
Satan, who has described Robertson as “the worst possible combination of senility and moral reprehensibility,” has attempted to distance himself from Robertson’s remarks. When asked for a personal comment about the tragedy in both Haiti’s current situation and in the past, the Devil stated, “Even I am not evil enough to conjure up a plan as destructive and morally dubious as globalized free trade, although I do own stock in the Dole Banana company.” Sources close to Robertson noted that this is not the first time the prominent Evangelical has blamed Satan for problems, stating that Robertson has accused Lucifer of “everything from farting at the dinner table to planting a stack of ‘Girls Gone Wild’ DVDs beneath the bed.”
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