Rod Blagojevich Just Wants Back Into Our Hearts

Look at him.  Don't you just want to pinch his cheeks?  Courtesy of Google Images.

Look at him. Don't you just want to pinch his cheeks? Courtesy of Google Images.

After finding that his efforts to inspire the diminutive American populations of “Guys with Great Hair” and “Martyrs of Extortion and Black-Market Bystanders” were failing miserably, Blagojevich revised his game plan. After reading the timeless literary classics “Bill Clinton: Mastering the Presidency,” “Bill Clinton’s Little Black Book” and “My Life: Bill Clinton,” Blagojevich felt the sweet light of mercy fall upon him. He knew what he must do: He began a tireless crusade to prove his pale paunch to the African-American community.

Apparently, first up on his list of things to do was give an eloquent interview to Esquire magazine where he stated, “”What the [expletive]? Everything he’s saying’s on the teleprompter…I’m blacker than Barack Obama. I shined shoes. I grew up in a five-room apartment. My father had a little Laundromat in a black community not far from where we lived. I saw it all growing up.”

Silly, President Obama! Learning to read? Not breaking the law? With all the media attention going to Obama’s presidential campaign, subsequent win and later Nobel Peace Prize foray, we Americans completely missed Blagojevich’s struggle from the streets – a riveting story of redemption.

The lesson here, kiddos, is that A) White people think the equation for “blackness” has something to do with shining shoes and owning a Laundromat, and B) Becoming a crooked politician is a worthy goal to be attained if you’re living in the hood.

Blagojevich later apologized, calling the comment “stupid, stupid, stupid” and noting that he MEANT to criticize Obama’s high-falutin’ focus on upper-class echelons and lack of concern for the streets. And with heart warmed by his good intentions, I will forgive dear Rod once again for his lack of foresight and quasi-racist-stereotypic-overtones. What can I say? He makes me laugh. And that’s important.

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