Why Windows 7 Sucks and Is Evil

Yeah, the picture is old. I am so disappointed. I was so excited to get my new shining copy of Windows 7, and then I installed it and well, what the hell, Microsoft? They changed so many things! The release candidate (which I was running for the past four months or so) was absolutely amazing. I simply cannot recommend this product. Here’s why:

  • Windows 7 only comes with software originally able to be found only at Scholastic Book Fairs, such as “Dissect a Frog” and “Magic School Bus Goes to Jamaica.” Microsoft does offer the rest of the included in content downloadable from the Internet, but…
  • There is no internet connectivity in the Home Premium edition! You have to buy the $20 dollar more, Windows 7 2010 Home Premium with Internet Express or Windows 7 2010 Home Premium with Internet Professional edition.
  • Windows 7 comes with Word, but you can’t edit, create or read documents using it – you can only get help from Clippy with menial tasks (I see you’re folding some laundry. Want some help? NO, CLIPPY. I DO NOT).
  • Windows 7, when installed, will always make it be July 7, 1977. You cannot change this without a time machine.
  • Windows 7 will find and beat up any Macs on your home network, making them unusable.
  • Windows 7 will also beat up any machine running any form of Linux, but all it has to do is install a new graphics card.
  • Windows 7 blocks access to Google, Yahoo! and Ask.com, redirecting the user to Bingoogle, Bingyahoo and Bingask.com.
  • Windows 7 also blocks access to Apple.com and instead redirects the user to hotclubsexxxx.com.
  • Mice do not work with Windows 7. You have to either use rats or guinea pigs.
  • Windows 7 gets rid of “Solitaire” and instead replaces it with “Dungeons and Dragons, Fourth Edition.”
  • Windows 7 doesn’t work with iTunes. Oh, wait, that’s because iTunes sucks.
  • Windows 7 has DRM that’ll prevent you from having any sort media on your hard disk. When it detects you have media, it replaces all of it with pictures of the RIAA’s and MPAA’s disapproving board members.
  • Windows 7 was the reason why we lost the Vietnam War.
  • Windows 7 doesn’t work on most monitors by default. To enable Windows 7 to work on most monitors, go to Control Panel, then Monitors, and then click the “Turn on support for most monitors.” Until you do this, you’ll just have a black screen on your monitor. The only monitors that Windows 7 works on are on some LCD monitors, some CRT monitors and Johnny Depp.
  • Windows 7 will punish you for going to certain websites, and it will email your mother every time you look at porn or communist propaganda.
  • The official mascot of Windows 7 is the Blue Man Group, and as a result, the startup chime is the beginning chord to their hit song “Blue (La Da Deeba Da Da).”
  • The only other default start up chime is a voice that says “John McCain should’ve won the election. Damn lieberals.”
  • The Windows 7 box is made up from the bones of children.
  • The one good thing that Windows 7 does have is support for games – but only 3D games with female characters with a bust size larger than 36DD.
  • While on an acid trip, Windows 7 will detect this and show you pictures of demons to make the trip that much more special.
  • Windows 7 cannot be taunted.
  • Windows 7 cannot communicate with French PCs at all – instead, it makes French jokes behind their backs to other non-French PCs.
  • Windows 7 has abused the members of the Megaphone, doing such acts as locking them into closets, stealing their wine and spilling hypofluorous acid all over the place.
  • Windows 7 cannot run DOS programs! How else can I use Lotus 1-2-3?
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50 Responses to Why Windows 7 Sucks and Is Evil

  1. Jon Dean says:

    Love this article, and wonder how long before the comments come flooding in from Mac FanBoys piling on the pain!

    On a more serious note, I am looking forward to getting Windows 7 to see what the hype is about – although it will be uploaded as a dual boot on my iMac ;)

  2. jim says:

    Funny! I did not realize it was a joke until the 4th item. What does that say about me?

  3. Me says:

    You know, asshole, people are actually out here trying to get accurate and realistic information about Windows 7. You SUCK, and your sarcasm is worthless. Take this shit down, and post a SERIOUS review.

  4. Lane S. Hill says:

    Hey, Me.

    I’ve been using Windows 7 since it came out in beta. I’m a big fan, actually. In fact, that’s one of the reasons why I wrote this – plus, I gotta chance to make fun of iTunes.

    No, I will not take this article down, because it is an article written for the humor and satire. And at least six people I know enjoyed it. So, chill out, and go read about Windows 7 on CNET or TechCrunch, or Ars Technica.

  5. Joe says:

    Funny as hell dude!!

  6. Randy says:

    One I heard the other day that gave me a chuckle

    You must wear the Windows 7 beer goggles, a pair of old cracker jack 3-d glasses will do as well.

  7. Spencer says:

    I installed Windows 7, and it said I had to have at least 60 gigabytes of RAM to use Internet Explorer!

    I’ll stick with Vista, where I only have to have 55 gigabytes.

  8. Jem says:

    Great, got a good time reading it…yet, I use xp, simple, I use many industrial software, and need many times to use telnet, ping networks and all “dangerous” utilities from the old school..it don’t surprise me you need 60gb for explorer, i know from insiders, in the first service pack to come, will be mandatory 10 core processors…

  9. joe says:

    i love windows 7. been using it for 3 months and i wouldnt use any other version. and i have always hated windows but this version rocks. ive gotten almost every program to run flawlessly. the only ones i have probs with are really old programs but patch files clear that up.

  10. Alex says:

    LoL! Best joke – “Oh, wait, that’s because iTunes sucks.”

  11. Gary says:

    Why does some of my software just stop working on windows 7? I spend a fair amount of time getting things operational, then when I need it, things stop working. Windows messenger suddenly appears, can’t turn it off without investing hours of my time trying to find out how to shut it off. No menu items to disable it, meanwhile I can’t connect to my work site. I’m sure glad I upgraded to this frustrating experience. Nothing I’d rather do than try to get Windows apps working again and recover ground I’ve already been over.

  12. Budro says:

    Great article.
    “•The Windows 7 box is made up from the bones of children.” – Teehehe.
    I’m a bit tired of shelling out hundreds of dollars every 2 – 3 years just to have the latest and greatest. So, I will be skipping the Win7 frenzy and wait for Win8.
    Hopefully it will be more than another over hyped vertion of WinNT.

  13. Lane Hill says:

    Actually, to be fair, they did a major code overhaul for Windows Vista (if I remember correctly, I could be wrong though). So, Vista/7 aren’t as much as versions of Windows NT as XP was. Hopefully that makes sense.

    I do think that they are better off recoding the entire thing, or moving to a new kernel entirely. Which, actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if they did do it for Windows 8, since they are thinking about abandoning the entire Windows, Icons, Menus, Pointing Devices motif.

    http://msftkitchen.com/2009/12/ocgm-a-new-windows-user-experience.html

  14. Nettneo says:

    Cant fucking load a program from Program disc!

  15. Captain Obvious says:

    Anyone who actually CHOOSES Windows when given the choice, is at best misguided, and at worst, evil. You are morons if you actually like Windows. It crashes over and over. IT is horrible.

  16. Vince says:

    I heard nothing but good things about windows 7. Then I bought a netbook with the defeatured starter edition. You can’t change the wallpaper, when it goes to sleep and you aren’t the user that put it to sleep, you can’t switch users and you can’t even shut it off… So for another $80 you can upgrade. That kind of defeats cost effective purpose of a netbook doesn’t it!!

    I for one am going back to Linux, does email, surfs the net, and writes letters. That’s all I need.

    BTW the post was very funny.

  17. radlure says:

    Awwww, some windows fanboys got all upset over this-get a life!
    I used the win7 beta then the RC each time M$ makes an update or another change win7 gets worst-it was passably good but now it sux big time!

  18. Lane Hill says:

    It’s satire, dude. I actually like Windows 7. I’m using it right now.

  19. Windows 8 says:

    lol. Great article. Reminds me of an article I read where some guy wrote a review of Windows 7 but he was really using Windows 95… was a joke, but hilarious none-the-less. I’ll have to try to find that article again, but anyway, I had a good laugh after I realized this was satirical (which was bullet point 1, btw).

    +1, Lane! =)

  20. Breggunn says:

    Yeah this article is satire which means it’s poking fun at all you windows users-but win7 has become hideous maybe it always was-it just took time and more experience using it to realize that. My IT department is praying that Google’s Chromium OS gets released soon.

  21. gOAtstABber says:

    “It’s satire, dude. I actually like Windows 7. I’m using it right now.”

    Haaaa ha HAA HAA HA!

    The joke’s on you dudie-Win7 has been denatured MS admitted that recently.
    Basically in this case denatured means that 7 is vista run through a virtual machine that’s been resamped for full installation. After a few months more or less it reverts to all of vista’s evil ways, and then your satire isn’t.

    HAHAH HA ha HA!

  22. sadam obama says:

    Suka blya !!!! Windows 7 is junk ! Control panel navigation sucks big time ! rearengement sucks ! Microsoft will not support some of theyr own devices that worked with XP/Vista and maximum if you got them not too long ago they will refoun you ….What the FUCK ????!!!! After 2 month of using it , one day all my programs just gone from start menu ….What the FUCK ???!!! Administrative tools lost acces….What the FUCK ???!!!!
    And just to let you know I have 100% virus free PC and its well protected.
    Windows 7 is junk !!! Dont waised you money and time !!!

  23. David Pompili says:

    I have windows XP Profession. beats windows 7 hands down in all areas Itunes stinks !!!

  24. Dude Slick says:

    Every version of winblows that comes is the best thing since sliced bread. Then as you use it, it becomes apparent that you have hunk of crap on your hands. I suspect that 7 will be no different. If you don’t play win only games, just run Linux. And Chromium is just a browser on top of the Linux kernel, with some web app stuff.

  25. MarriageMan says:

    I thought I loved Windows 7. Now I hate it. I’m trying to open a WMV file with Windows Movie Maker (that used to be good) and it keeps telling me that the file is not indexed. So it’s on my computer…and can be played…but it’s not indexed? How STUPID! Windows 7, you suck!

  26. steve says:

    somebody is jelous that they dont have windows 7

  27. Vito says:

    LOL, I got a kick out of this, pretty funny…Windows 7 is the best running it right now 100% torrent(Thanks pirate bay) yes microsoft I can’t afford your o.s. make it $30 dollars like apple did then we talk.

  28. Bill Gates says:

    I can run windows 7 on my Mac Pro and it actually runs better on a Mac anyway.

  29. curious says:

    Funny picture and article. :)

    I’m not planning on buying nor pirating windows7. My netbook runs very nicely on Linux : Ubuntu 9.1 Netbook Remix.

  30. Linda says:

    Microsoft is awesome. They are great at everthing they make.

  31. MLC says:

    Linux can use your iPod/iPhone out of the box without the need for iTunes, and it can also run DOS programs such as Lotus, oh, and it comes with OpenOffice which is compatible with Microsoft formats (if you use one of the most common distributions).

    Maybe you should get excited over that and dual-boot. XD

  32. Mike says:

    Windows 7 is garbage. I am moving back to winXP after using it for about 4 months – not to mention the hours wasted moving documents back and forth to repartition my hard drive properly since windows 7 created some useless partition (to me anyways) during installation. If games are available in both windows and linux, I’ll happily live in Kubuntu forever.

  33. S. Barry says:

    Looks like us Mac OS users don’t need to ‘pile on’ any more pain at all. Microsoft have done all the ground work for us. Meanwhile the rest of us get on with using a platform that lets the user do what they want/need, and not be dictated to by an unnecessarily convoluted system such as windows.

  34. c.smart says:

    Yesterday, Windows 7 restricted me to my house…

    I was unable to go to the bathroom because Windows 7 had changed my administrative privileges and locked my access to the refrigerator.

    So I tried to call for help but my phone froze up.

    I tried to start the door on fire but some firewall kept putting it out. But then Windows 7 finally crashed and my house burnt down. Luckily I was able to get out by kicking a bug infested wall that Windows 7 had ignored.

    A Windows 7 Survivor.

  35. Jon Smith says:

    Quite honestly, I love iTunes, I use a 2010 MacBook Pro, and I’ve tried Winblows 7. It actually took up 4 Yodabytes (A Yodabyte is 1000 Terabytes) to run MS CALC, and 10 Yodabytes to run IE 2.

  36. someone says:

    Well, Apple should thank Microsoft because Microsoft created Mac Office (almost everyone use it), Microsoft Messenger, and some useful softwares seriously. Even Microsoft made websites that related to their Mac softwares.

    http://www.microsoft.com/mac/default.mspx
    http://www.macofficelovesyou.com/

    And Mac users keep hating Microsoft Windows. Or maybe you all don’t know anything about computer?
    Mac have it’s own plus and also minus, same like Microsoft Windows.
    So don’t keep hating

  37. sogeking says:

    someone:

    You might be surprised to know the MS Office for Mac is actually older than Windows itself.

  38. Lee Cascio says:

    Laptop fried so I had to buy another. Luckily harddisk is intact. Unfortunately new laptop is Windows 7. I liken this to gun control freaks who’s work to remove guns from honest citizens has emboldened gun toting criminals who now have an unarmed public to commit even more crime.

    So with Windows 7, tere is so much idiotic security put in I cannot:
    (1) copy my files off my old hard disk because “my acount does not have access” and

    (2) It is hard as hell to install any software without error messages popping up everywhere

    (3) And how about this, I’m not even an administrator of my own computer! The administrator account is disabled and has a unknown password.

    And like the gun control thing, Windows 7 will be hit hard anyway with all kinds of virus and malware. All they successed in doing was stop honest business people from being production and, you know, actually use their computer.

    I won’t even get into how they feel the need inexplicably change things from one windows version to another. E.g. why does the Run command now have to be hidden? It’s like when you change OS you need to go a PhD on how to use the new windows because some geeks there thought it would be kewl to move crap around.

    I hope something horrible happens to all the jerk offs who were responsible for Windows 7.

  39. Electronic Abuser says:

    Windows 7 is great it can withstand multiple slaps to the hard drive and piece of crap comps

    BTW You get what you pay for (Mac OS X)

  40. Electronic Abuser says:

    There’s a Hack for That

  41. Electronic Abuser says:

    Most Problems with Win 7 aren’t actually with Win 7, IT’S THE HARDWARE YOU INSTALL IT ON!!!

  42. Nik says:

    Windows7 gets it’s name as it takes you 7 times longer to perform the simplest of tasks….. It sucks bigtime

  43. Pete says:

    No classic mode, No files and folder search and sucks up the memory for the stupid task bar. Microsoft needs to pull the head out of their rumps!

  44. Brad Swanton says:

    Hi Just bought myself a Garmin 765T Portable GPS. Very accurate and has Bluetooth as well.

  45. Olddude says:

    i installed win 7 and and I used it for a bit but personaly i like much more win xp

  46. Hi, Thanks for the Informative post, I dont usually leave messages but your blog inspired me!! I just had a look at one of those Ipads and they look good, although the screen is big I like it. I can see a lots of them needing support when the screen breaks :) Keep up the good work and look forward to more posts

  47. Juana says:

    Yes, and octave runs slower than molasses on the north pole on this system.

    FORGET about upgrading to Swinedoze 7 if you use Gnu anything.

  48. Carlton Banks says:

    op is a fag

  49. RayKurzweil says:

    Jon Smith – “Quite honestly, I love iTunes, I use a 2010 MacBook Pro, and I’ve tried Winblows 7. It actually took up 4 Yodabytes (A Yodabyte is 1000 Terabytes) to run MS CALC, and 10 Yodabytes to run IE 2.”

    1 Yottabyte (not yoda) = 1000 Zettabytes. 1 Yottabyte = 1.000.000.000.000 Terrabytes.

    More proof that MAC users are mostly primary school dropouts.

  50. devil says:

    Aside from huge performance issues (i7 860, 4 gb, 5780 vid) extremely poorly laid out interfaces (left side to expand, then right side to expand, etc etc) and those diot fk commercials about how easy win7 is for the moron crowd – I just changed 1 performance parameter and there is no safe boot to change it back, auto recovery is a useless dog, restore failed, and continuous bsd forced re-install.

    I was hoping at the same time due to ms win7 dmbfk technologies underscan issues I would get a full display screen this time (i paid for a Samsung 46″ screen – i dont want 1″ black borders all the way around and a compressed out of phase display) – no such luck, win7 is fkd.

    Since I got vista with the upgrade to win7 option and I did not re-install vista at the same time (this is really really fknstupid) I can not activate my win 7. Appparently, and there is no guarantee that it will activate even if I do re-install vista 1st.

    Anyone that says win7 is better know sht about pc’s

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