And don’t think that this criticism is coming from some Marxist liberal who wants to hug trees until they demand a restraining order. No, I’m a diehard conservative. That’s right, a conservative, and I mean that in the most classical Burkean sense of the word. I believe in low taxes, minimal governmental intervention, and if capitalism were a woman, I’d envelope her with my entire body.
Normally I don’t tell people what side I stand for because saying you’re a conservative is like saying you smoke pot – people think there is just something awful and wrong with you because of its connotations. I feel completely alienated nowadays by all the possible options and parties. In the 2008 election I had to choose between the grandpa and the toddler. There is a better selection at the Commons than there was for that election. Anyway, seeing that this is already a confessional I have to say that I went with the toddler because if the grandpa had died on the job, the redneck Eskimo Sarah Palin would have taken over and made this country just as retarded as her baby.
Now you might say, “Well, Ryan, if you hate the Republican Party so much why don’t you just join the Libertarian Party if you hold these conservative positions?” Well those Libertarian dolts are about as rational as the people who starred on “Jackass.” I’m not for anarcho-capitalism, and I think there should be a minimal amount of restrictions placed on certain amenities like guns and drugs. So there’s no way I could stand for the Libertarians.
But I’d have to say that I’d be much quicker to declare my allegiance for them than for the Republicans. The GOP is a bigger taint on this country than our history with slavery. Seriously, a frat boy would make more sense after a night of binge drinking than their positions. I mean, what’s this crap with them supporting Christian fundamentalism? I hate this not just because I’m an atheist, but also because I’m a patriotic American. In no way should religion be conflated with politics. And yes, folks, that is a conservative position.
It used to be that the Republicans represented substantive ideals. Lincoln was a Republican in case you’ve forgotten. But now the GOP is about as great of a team to be a part of as the Detroit Lions are. Whenever some stupid political statement is made, you can bet it was a Republican who said it. Whenever a racist ideology is espoused, you can bet it was a Republican who supported it. And whenever there is some bullcrap claim made for bringing this country back to the Stone Age, you don’t even have to question which group supported it. Suffice is to say, the Republican Party is not a party I’d ever want to be involved with – kind of like one where there are a lot of roofies involved.