It was announced Thursday that the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize would be awarded to former United States President George W. Bush. According to Nobel Committee spokesperson Michael Sohlman, “George W. Bush’s departure from office has done much to promote the peace and well-being of humanity.” Sohlman added that when it came to selecting the former president from among the illustrious list of nominees, the decision was “extremely easy.” “There basically was no contest. The other nominees were pretty much just a formality,” said Nobel board member Peter Englund, adding “We all knew how this was going to turn out before it even began.” The decision was announced Thursday to cheering crowds.
It was clear that the throngs of people were in agreement of the recognition of the great strides towards world peace taken by the former Bush administration in its decision to step down from the world’s most powerful executive office. In his announcement speech, spokesperson Sohlman stated, “The world’s greatest military power is no longer under the power of an administration who’s foreign policy operates under a 5th grade level, absurdist binary of ‘good’ and ‘evil.’ The world’s nations are no longer forced to make the decision of backing America’s doomed, half-baked and reactionary plans of imperialism or of ‘siding with terrorists.’ The world’s children can now rest easy knowing that George W. Bush no longer has access to nuclear weapons. It is clear that the award could not justly be awarded to another.”
The selection came as a surprise to the former president, who was busy playing Pacman on his Blackberry in the back row when the decision was announced. His acceptance speech was simply a cackle and a quick “Thanks guys.” According to Bush’s spokesperson, the former president plans to donate his prize money to “Glocks for Tots,” a faith-based initiative which aims to teach inner city pre-schoolers basic self-defense and handgun use.