Seniors are going through a lot at this point in the semester. Capstones, apartment searching, job hunting and selling your soul in job interviews, not to mention all the other classes you have to take to graduate that seem more and more useless every passing class day.
The frustration mounts as seniors’ email inboxes are flooded with fifteen billion emails advertising Tower Days, senior parties, and Career Service’s infamous what-are-you-doing-for-the-rest-of-your-life-and-what-is-your-home-phone-number-so-we-can-stalk-you-for-the-next twenty-years survey.
So little surprise then that frustration is manifesting violently in the pursuit for extra commencement tickets. Several Southwestern students from polygamous families are feeling the effects of the nine-ticket limit, as their immediate families are generally quite large.
Approximately ten minutes after the official email from Sarah Gould of University Events, loud, hellish, animalistic screeches and screams were reported to SUPD as coming from various areas in Lord Center and Dorothy Lord Center.
An all-out brawl had busted out between seniors fighting for extra tickets to the event. Blood, hair, skin, and nails stained and dirtied the illuminated Southwestern bridge light. How the feuding seniors got it all over the side of the bridge itself, as well as the smather of feces on top of the Caskey center, is still a mystery.
All agree that the “natural renovations” to the rusted bridge are a nice touch.
Once SUPD intervened and gained control of the situation, numerous students had to be hospitalized. At time of print, the official count was still undetermined; the students did not return correspondences as they were still working on assignments in the hospital.
Seniors are not the only ones going mad this semester. Underclassmen from all classes have been stirred by the senior riots and have voiced their own dissenting voices.
“FREAKING PIRATE PRINT! I HATE YOU MORE THAN ALL THE 25-PAGE ESSAY ASSIGNMENTS IN THE WORLD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” said sophomore Audrey Olena about her current stress level. She then proceeded to smash in a fellow student’s face with a cue stick.
“Class! I hate class! I just walked in the other day and told my professor where she could put her rhetorical theory,” junior and recent transfer to the communications department Delaney Cade said.
“Enough with all of the books! I just can’t handle them anymore,” junior Josh Casiano whispered as he politely turned books on library shelves around so that the titles were hidden from view.
Concerned parents and faculty have called for the administration to take action. In official response to the student uprising, president Jake Shrum ambivalently commented, “I don’t blame them, nine tickets is not near enough.”