Take Green to the Extreme: Stop Breathing

We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know.

I scream. You scream. We all scream for green extreme. It’s ecological warfare out there and too many civilians are out of the green zone. To fight the green fight, you must be armed for battle against incompetence, ignorance and insanity.

Here’s a list of the luckiest unobtrusive 13 tips that will guide your way to a greener aura for our sick planet.

1) Limit breathing to as minimal of an occurrence as possible. Every time you breathe in, CO2 emissions escape into our impressionable air. Hypothetically speaking, if the students of SU collectively stopped breathing, there would be a shockingly .00001% difference made. If all institutions of higher elitism participated in such selfless acts of non-respiratory action, imagine the difference. Plus, carbon dioxide is probably not the only thing coming out of that mouth of yours.

2) Refill water bottles or buy one and just keep refilling it. Even better, buy one keg and just keep refilling one beer bottle. By buying in bulk, you can spend money on decent tasting beer (ahem, not Keystone Light). Who knows? Maybe your party’s approval rating will increase as a result of finer refreshments.

3) Limit the use of disposable items such as paper plates and plastic cups. Reuse the same cup over and over again. Since it would be wasteful to wash said cup upon completion of every drinking occasion, consume all the alcohol you would normally have dispersed throughout the week into one swell helping. Not only will you be using one cup, but you will only have one hangover.

4) Brush your teeth no more than once a day. It’s just like your bed. What’s the point of keeping them clean, only for them to become messed up again?

5) Buy local. Don’t buy into the evil eco-unfriendliness and global domination that is Wal-mart. Try Reuben’s Wine & Spirits, Twin Liquors, Quik Sip or Hunter’s Liquor Wine & Beer. There’s nothing like economically giving back to your community.

6) Have a plant. Not only are you helping put back oxygen into the air that your selfish humanness is usurping, it looks pretty. Go for a mint one – at least then your carbon emissions won’t taste so foul.

7) Figure out your carbon footprint. Now seek to eradicate it. No one needs further proof of your existence. It’s called a birth certificate – wasteful in itself (except if you’re Obama and from the state of Hawaii, or Kenya or Indonesia),

8) Refuse to physically turn in papers, no matter the consequences. This form of civil disobedience is of the noblest of deeds. Seriously, the rest of the world or the rest of your life? You do the math. (Hint: The world > and NEVER = your life).

9) Keep to-do lists on a dry erase board of all the things you will never accomplish instead of wasting paper with your lofty goals. In addition to saving paper, you can catch a whiff of some noxious fumes for a brief buzz.

10) Limit Facebooking and other willy-nilly activities of cyberspace littering and keep your screen brightness on the lowest possible setting as you constantly update your status on the details of every waking (and sleeping) moment of your meaningless existence. Plus, you’ll be saving yourself from the potential diagnosis of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

11) Unplug electronic devices that aren’t in use as massive amounts of insignificant energy are still drawn. Those are precious joules of your life you’ll never have back.

12) Bypass research intensive classes. Think of all those academic journals of PhD speak you wastefully print out and pretend to read. This may sound as if that is excluding the entire course selection, but let’s not be overdramatic – merely 99.9%. There’s always Bowling. Or Kinesiology.

13) Avoid heavy thinking. Heavy thinking causes an increase in breathing and therefore, an increase in carbon dioxide emissions. If you must continue with such egomaniacal practices, plant something. Or just leave SU.

By the time you graduate from SU, you might not have any money, a job, or even any practical skills to contribute to society, but at least you will be loaded with swanky knowledge on how to combat humanity’s self-imposed doom.

Being green is like giving a hug to grumpy old people. They might not like it initially, but over time they’ll be better off for it.

Remember, the world is your smelly, dirty, pestilent oyster, not your garbage disposal. Take care of it.

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