We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know.
Last weekend, SUPD arrested University President Schrum after they caught him riding dirrty.
He was allegedly sipping on gin and juice when officer Deborah Brown pulled him over on his Pirate Bike at 4:58 a.m. Sunday morning near the fraternity houses. He lead the SUPD on a chase from the frats to his home on campus.
He reportedly rapped aloud very whitely during the chase, “They see me rolling. They hating. Patrolling, they try to catch me riding dirty!”
Brown finally caught Schrum when he mistook the Religious Activity Center for his house. He had twenty-three and five-eighths kilos in his possession, five of marijuana and the rest in cocaine.
However, Brown charged Schrum for being a cracker and confiscated the drugs for “testing” in the SUPD drug lab.
When he was being read his Miranda rights, he recited a similar scene as told by the sweet rhymes of N.W.A: “Yeah, I’m a gangster, but still I got flavor. Without a gun and a badge, what do you got? A sucker in uniform waitin’ to get shot!” While Brown took him into custody he continued repeatedly with the chorus of the song, “F*ck the Police!”
He was also concealing a machete and numerous firearms, including four Glocks, two tommy guns, and a musket that seemed to be stolen from the Special Collections on the second floor of McCombs Center.
“I was just trying the thing out. Um, I mean dat thang,” Schrum said.
The campus community was shocked when SUPD officials made the arrest public, especially Mrs. Schrum.
“He had much too much crunk juice that night. I tried to stop him from leaving, but he just started shouting, ‘Move biotch! Get out the way!’” said Lady Schrum in tears.
“I couldn’t believe how horribly he misquoted Ludacris. What a cracker.”
Administration is currently determining what actions to take on Schrum’s arrest. Schrum is expected to face trial with the Student Judiciary at a date undetermined when this issue went to print. Inside sources in administration shared with the Megaphool the advice they gave to Schrum during this tumultuous time in his career: “Shawty [should stay] low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low.”
When asked about the current status of his case, he expressed little concern. In fact, he proudly described his current situation as a public demonstration for the legalization of drugs and firearms on college campuses, necessary for liberal progression at Southwestern. “This looks like a job for me. I think what this university needs is a little controversy. It would feel so empty without me.”
On a completely unrelated note, a student recently questioned Schrum about the ever-increasing price of tuition. In response, Schrum reportedly responded, “I’m not saying we are gold diggers. But we’re not messing wit some…um…poor parents of students.”