We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know.
Purple is my favorite colour. It’s the juxtaposition of two of my favorite hues: red and blue. These colors spell many things, including patriotism and chemistry. These subjects are the subject of many, many books which I hold in high regard, from Lucretius’s De Rerum Natura to Toby Kieth’s famous song, “Red, White and Blue (The Angry American).”
Purple is just a majestic color. It stands for royalty – it stands for love. It stands for haste. It stands for… a lot of things, which I can’t simply communicate into the English language. I can communicate it in Arabic, however, but my (purple) computer doesn’t have those necessary fonts.
Purple was a source of happiness and love for years. Did you know, that in classic Technicolor movies, whenever something good happens to the main character (or when something bad happens to the evil character), they would tint the screen purple to give the viewer a sense of ectasy and an unknown thrill of sensuality and delight.
It is entwined in history and fiction. Did you know that in JK Rowling’s famous book series, “Harry Potter,” multiple times throughout the third book, it talks about Harry’s cloak being purple? Whenever Harry wears his purple cloak, he is taken to a realm of hypersensitivity and ecstasy to defeat the evil forces of that person who shall not be named.
Harry was a wizard, and what a wizard wears, that’s tolerable with me.
Did you know that the gay/lesbian/transgendered community made purple their “symbol” because of the ecstasy and happiness the color purple gives everyone? It simply makes you gay!
Out of all the colors mentioned in the Bible, purple is the most common with nine mentions, including the famous saying by Jesus, “All ye who are ye purple shall go with ye to the heaven.” (Q 97).
Since it is the most mentioned color in the Bible, as well as mentioned in the Harry Potter series, why don’t we appreciate this color more? Let’s start today. Find someone wearing a purple cloak or pant and say, “Hey there. I like your purple cloak or pant. It looks nice on you. It accentuates your secondary sexual features.” Then they will smile at you, and you shall feel a sense of ecstasy that is radiating off the person’s purple, and you both will share a purple ectasy.
In the book of Micah, Micah was wearing a purple cloak when he was talking to the governor of Judah, Judahmah. Judahmah prompted to mock and insult Micah, and then God made him explode. The moral of the story was that it is against God’s law by insulting or mocking people wearing purple.
It is possible that if Micah wasn’t wearing his magical purple cloak, he could’ve gotten his feelings hurt by the abrasive Judahmah and slowly go into a depression.
Bart Simpson was frequently shown on T-shirts wearing a blue shirt and purple shorts. This can be seen as Simpsons’ superiority over other cartoon shows, because of his majestic, royal, purple shorts.
Out of all the colors, purple has the best flavor, tasting something like kung pao chicken, but with more blue.
Purple also has the most synonyms out of all the colors. It has many names…purple, indigo, light purple, lavender, Raymond (which is Old German for “purple one”), dark purple, amaranthine, lilac and wine.
All of these are synonyms, by the way, for “love”, “peace”, and “ecstasy”. So, start by wearing purple. Just start by wearing a purple hat, or maybe color a dot on your hand. Then you can start wearing a purple cloak. A majestic cloak.
You can pretend you are just like Harry Potter or the great prophet Micah. Then, if you desire, you can wear an entire guise of purple products, and simply live in a cloud of purple and ecstasy.