We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know. Except, Dr. Leese is actually a nice guy. That part is not fake.
The Megaphone has recently obtained documents from an anonymous source that reveals that many of our past allegations against Dean of Students Dr. Mike Leese were erroneous. The documents also point out that Leese is actually a pretty nice guy. Some of the past accusations levied against Leese include being arrested for having a mannequin fetish, stealing Mrs. Schrum’s cherry tree, getting arrested for mannequin-love again, giving alcohol to minors, and returning sex to the Sabbath. A past article that stated that he would be teaching a BDSM FRA was also false. According to the documents, Leese strictly engages in missionary acts of intimacy.
Not only is Leese innocent of all of the accusations previously brought against him, he is also a sincerely kind man.
“He volunteers at a soup kitchen, donates to charities, cares for foster animals, knits sweaters for small children, contributes more than his share at potlucks, pays his taxes in full, and regularly cleans the toilet. He is almost a saint,” said Associate Dean for Student Life Jaime Woody.
Although on the surface it might appear that the revelation of Leese’s kindness is beneficial, the reality is quite different.
“Now that people know he is a nice guy, we are sure that the number of violations will increase. If students aren’t afraid of Dr. Leese’s sordid past or that he’ll do something horrible, they will be more likely to break the rules,” said Vice President for Student Life Jerry Brody.
Surprisingly, the majority of the leads that contributed to the past Megaphone articles actually originated from Leese’s office.
“I feel like I’m more respected if people believe that I’m a terrible person. I do have to do all of the disciplining here on campus after all. If people believe that I have a sexual attraction to mannequins and teach sadomasochistic practices, they’ll be more likely to follow the rules,” said Leese.
Although most of the false leads came from his office, several also came from an unidentified employee who works in Cullen who said, “I wanted people to think I’m not the meanest person on campus. If people don’t think Dr. Leese is awful then they’ll know that I really am the most unpleasant person at SU.”
Despite the dangerous consequences of this knowledge being revealed, the truth of Leese’s beneficence had become too difficult to keep secret.
“One time I ran into him escorting an old lady across the street. I just assumed it was his wife but I guess he was just being nice,” said an identified student.
Leese himself was feeling the strain from his double life.
“I was trying to pretend that I really was as bad as the Megaphone had made me out to be. I even tried to steal a mannequin one time just to see if I’d like it. I of course immediately returned it and gave the store employees free tuition as long as they’d keep my secret. I just couldn’t bear the shame of living this life any longer.”
Many students have been shocked by the revelation.
“I once saw Dr. Leese cleaning trash up off of the side of the highway. I figured it was part of his community service requirement because of his long list of arrests. I never imagined that he was just being altruistic,” said senior Floyd Hebert.
Sophomore Natalie Thaddeus agrees, “I can’t believe that Dr. Leese is actually a decent person. I have been praying for him for years. What am I going to do with my Thursday mornings now?”
Other students have responded to the news with glee.
“What, you mean I don’t have to be afraid of Leese’s freaky sexual proclivities if I break a rule? Kegger at my place this weekend!” said sophomore and 20 year-old Sam Marsh.
First-year Ruter inhabitant Brian Stoner agrees, “This is great. I’ve been afraid to grow ganja in my closet for ages because I was afraid of Leese. I don’t have to buy it from the guy down the hall any more. Plus, now I can pay off my student loans by selling weed without worrying!”
Despite the increase in keggers, marijuana, pets, cohabitation, candles, dartboards, prostitution, illegal immigration, and Indian burns, Leese is relieved to be free from the deception.
“I feel so relieved that I don’t have to dress like a nun whenever I want to bring homemade cookies to the homeless. Mmm, I can already taste the sweet chocolate chips of redemption.”
So next time you see Leese, please be sure to tell him what a great guy he is and give him a big thumbs up.