We, at the Megaphone, would like to warn you that this article is satire. It is not real. Yes, that takes the fun out of it, but just letting you know.
It is my duty to inform you with the saddest of hearts that your beloved Megaphone will no longer be able to provide you with updates about the going-ons in the Southwestern sports world. It has been proclaimed by the powers-that-be that the sports section will be discontinued henceforth because of a serious lack of interest in whatever used to be published under this title.
The reasons for this future omission of sporting data are no doubt complex and the reasons for these previously mentioned reasons are also probably rather convoluted. This is my humble attempt at explicating them, although with so many tears streaming down my face it is sort of difficult for me to form coherent sentences, of which I am sure by now that you are aware.
The primary reason for this disconcerting and drastic action I would assume is the lack of commitment by all, myself included but to a lesser degree, to our athletic institutions. We’ve all failed these pillars of our educational institution. No one reads the articles about the athletic competitions. No one wants to write these articles. Hell, hardly anyone even goes to the events. Generally, I don’t even know that they are happening. With such a great lack of sports articles, the sports page has slowly been overrun with ads, replacing the latest softball win with ads for the SU underground strip club or Keva Juice.
The sports section had a small attempt to be saved until the results came in from last semester’s Megaphone poll. When the poll asked for student’s opinion about the sports page the generally response was “I don’t read it.” After the Megaphone staff flogged the current sports editor, they came to the sad realization that maybe the sports page should be dicontinued.
So I would say, what we have here is a most dire situation. It would appear that the student body has betrayed its ideals for things like academia, American Idol and other things that aren’t sports. Where, oh where, did we go wrong? And who’s to blame? Who knows? If I had to guess, and I do because I’m writing this article, I would venture to say that it is our fair institution of higher learning itself that failed us. What with all the homework, the parties and the other crap that isn’t sports, Southwestern simply blinded us from the glory of athletic competition at its finest.
But enough about sports and the soon-to-be lack thereof in our school’s newspaper, think about all the cool and interesting things that can be added in place of content that has gone unread for at least as long as the Megaphone has been published. We could publish advertisements (my personal favorite), academic essays or my own personal rants (generally synonymous with academic essays and my actual favorite). The new section could be titled “Other Stuff” or even something more intriguing like “Necrophilia.” The possibilities are not actually endless and will probably end up with something stupid and, though unlikely, possibly more worthless than the current sports section. But who’s to say?