Written by Laura Romer
Seeing as how the economic recession isn’t going to go away any time soon, here are a few words of the wise to help you and your potentially penniless presence. To buck up you Debbie Downers out there, here is a top ten SU student guide for surviving the economic crisis.
1) Accept raising tuition prices. It will make you appreciate it later in life when you are paying off your student loans with money you do not have.
2) Forgo washing clothes. At $2 a cycle, that one shirt does not have a stain on it, merely a little “splash” of color. Tell others, “It’s not smelly; it’s just vintage.”
3) Sell recently vacated senate seats that may or may not be in Illinois as an easy way to make some fast cash. (Just don’t get caught like our buddy, Blagojevich!)
4) Pick up activities that are free or already included in Southwestern’s $40,000 price tag. For example, enjoy the great outdoors SU has to offer. Except at the recently built admissions building. And the currently being renovated mini mall over by Brown-Cody. And that once grassy knoll across from Mundy. And the Mabee elevator. Because it’s kind of smelly (not that that’s outdoors, but it’s definitely not great, either).
5) Cogitate ponderous thoughts such as “Where is Waldo?” and “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?,” as well as “Why do the bathroom stalls in Olin give the illusion that they will lock?”
6) Embrace your inner pirate. No, seriously. Why go to the store and buy an overpriced CD when you can save money, time and gas by illegally downloading it?
7) Spend other people’s money. Show how much you care by taking upon that commercial burden. If they don’t thank you, it’s because they are just so overwhelmed by your extreme kindness and selflessness. Don’t believe me? Two words: stimulus package.
8) Reduce, reuse, recycle. Reduce homework load. Reuse old classmates’ papers. Recycle said papers upon completion of re-usal and reduce-al period.
9) Take advantage of others’ misfortunes. Know that even though your life is a little less than peachy-keen, that someone somewhere has it worse than you do. See fmylife.com for more musings.
10) Downgrade the good libations to Keystone Light. Oh, wait. The parties here already do that.
One unread textbook: $160 (resale value: $16). One four-year liberal arts education: $160,000. Surviving the economic crisis: priceless.