Written by Andrew Dornon
I sit, writing this on the verge of one of the most important elections of our lifetime. Regardless of the outcome, you, the president-elect will need to accomplish a few general goals in order to retain America’s position as a superpower in our ever-changing world.
First, and most importantly, I implore you to continue the “War On Terror”. Thus far, we have combated this most eminent threat to our security and freedom to an extent that has been acceptable. Now, you must escalate the violence and extend American influence throughout the Middle East. This can be seen as a necessary step to fight Islam, I mean, Islamofascism. Radical Islam should be viewed as the greatest danger to the “Free World”. You must understand that they hate our freedom. There is no other logical reason that would possibly drive a small minority of the Muslim world to hate our entire country. Certainly, our violent, capitalistic intervention/oppression over the past 50 years has had nothing to do with their worldview. We will be greeted as liberators wherever we go and should never apologize for our assistance given to these uncivilized nations.
Next off, as President, you must secure our borders. The fluidity of our borders has caused numerous problems such as cultural diversity, multilingualism and a growing number of laborers. Terrorists have also used our open borders to invade and spread their doctrine of hate to gas stations everywhere. Illegal aliens after crossing the Mexican border almost immediately steal all the good paying jobs, like that of a doctor or stock broker, from hard-working Americans. This has forced over-qualified Americans to seek employment in menial fields of labor, like picking strawberries and building houses. The illegal immigrants also bring their children who then feel entitled to an education just because their parents hold up our labor force. The new president should halt such niceties given to these criminals. If there is one thing worse than an illegal immigrant, it’s an educated illegal immigrant. Said immigrants could become citizens and thus gain the right to vote. Nothing is more un-American than an immigrant voting. As president you should take this notion to heart.
Another problem facing America is our economy. It kind of sucks, but this has been cause by a lack of ethical spine. America has left its capitalist roots far too much. You must put us back on the path to laissez-faire righteousness. Capitalism is the most important factor for raising global wealth. Or maybe just American wealth, but whatever. Same thing.
We must continue on our path of economic globalization, for this has been proven to improving the living standards of all involved, except for those kept in virtual slavery. You must propagate America’s neo-liberal agenda throughout the world and terminate all who stand in your way. One notable opponent of American economic hegemony is Hugo Chavez. Chavez is an evil dictator who has oppressed his people horribly while standing in opposition to the pillaging of Venezuela’s natural resources by American interests. In an even more disgusting move, he spends 90 percent of his oil profits on social welfare programs. This style of Communism must be destroyed before it catches on in other Latin American countries, and they liberate themselves from our reign. You sir, stand at the forefront of the battle for fiscal hegemony and we must win at any cost.
Mr. Obama/McCain, you have a daunting task before you. You must maintain America’s position as a city upon a hill. A beacon of light, hope and imperialism for all the world to see and hate. I pray (to the god of Abraham and Isaac, of course) that you are up to job.