Chapel to Be Extended to Megachurch

The Future MSUBC - Bernado Schirmer

Written by Lane Hill
Megaphone Web Editor In yesterday’s speech to the campus, president Jake Schrum announced that there are plans in the works to replace the Lois Perkins Chapel with McCombs Southwestern University Bible Church, a new church that’s roughly only a few cubits smaller then the McCombs Center.

Construction on this project will start in a week, at eight o’clock on Sunday morning. The area would be fenced off, only leaving the seal for hopeless freshmen and suicidal seniors to walk across.

According to Schrum, the new facility will have enough seats to fit “all of the students on campus, plus their family members, if they are a member of a typical nuclear family”, a Sodexho-catered restaurant called “Jesus’ Fine Cuisines”, a new space for the Korouva Milk Bar, a Methodist church, a Sunday School for the little kids, a small library, several meeting rooms and a Starbucks. There will also be a place to sell asses and olives, as well. However, the stained glass windows will be replaced with standard window panes with a cross formation in the middle, and the altar will be replaced with a projection screen. The entire Religious Studies department will have a new home in the facility, and the old Kyle E. White Religious Center will be used as an International House for selected students.

Any speakers in the church will have the opportunity of using one of the more expensive sound systems available, up to six projectors and a choice of ten podiums and four potted plants.

“The trustees, the Religious Life organization and I realized that the Chapel services were getting all tight and stuffy. That’s when I realized that the Chapel is one of the only places that has not had a renovation since its beginning. So we’re going to renovate it, and renovate it we shall!” Schrum stated in his speech.

While the building is under construction, chapel services will be done in a tent in the middle of the Academic Mall.

Interestingly enough, the plans for the MSUBC have not been made available to the public, like the plans for the Admissions Building or the Center for a Life-Long Learning.

Responses on campus have ranged from total apathy to apathy.

“Ehh…I don’t really care. I just want to step on the seal. That’s all I care about. Cheat my death,” says senior James Mott.

“I think it’s a good idea, as I was always afraid of dead bodies coming out of the altar and chasing me around,” says junior Shirley Surl.

“I hope there is at least one statue of Jesus. I hate it when I go into a church without any statues or anything, and it turns out I’m worshipping Allah,” says sophomore Jeff Peely.

“But I fear for the ghost of Lois Perkins. Where will she be living now?” wonders junior Timothy Summers.

“The only thing I’m concerned about is the shift from Methodism, which is the one true faith, to a general non-denominational-ism, which is just a way for Satan to sneak up into our souls and take it over with his lusty books and hippity rap. “ says sophomore Linda Gaylord.

“What’s a chapel?” asks first-year James Groce.

And as with any new building project, rumors are flying left and right. Some people say that the chapel will be demolished. Some say that the MSUBC will be built around the chapel, and then demolished. Some say the chapel will be taken up in God’s spaceship to a magical land, where it’ll never die.

Other rumors are a bit more troubling. Some say that the seal will be put inside the church, causing people who want to step on the seal to go inside. Others say that the library will have security cameras, so you will get caught looking at naughty books, like the Gospel of Thomas. Some say to enter the church, you’ll have to use your pirate card, to protect the church from naughty little secularists from using it. Some say that this will record your actions, making it easier for naughty little secularists to make fun of you. Some say that pirate cards have become the mark of the beast, and Jake Schrum is the antichrist.

But these rumors will be revealed as true or false whenever the MSUBC is finished. Schrum predicts that it’ll be finished by the summer of next year, which really means it’ll be done by December of 2010.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply