Written by Claire Booher & Audrey Oleana
Megaphone Staff Writers
Aries: The seventh moon of Jupiter crashed into The Millennium Falcon; therefore beware of random hair loss occurring in unwanted places.
Taurus: Because of the tightening of the asteroid belt around Mars, you will gain 10 pounds today.
Gemini: Venus’ sporadic movement around the point of Uranus indicates that you believe you significant other does not respect you….you’re right.
Cancer: For the week ahead do not spend any money or a barrage of shooting stars will fall from the sky and destroy you. The fate of the world is in your hands.
Leo: A barrage of stars has destroyed you car. Stay away from Cancer
Virgo: The second star to the right is under construction; therefore do not attempt to rise above sea level
Libra: The balance in you sign along with Pluto’s planetary influence indicates that you need more friends and less Facebook.
Scorpio: The sun sees all stop peeping on your neighbors.
Sagittarius: As a universally loveable sign, the movement of Neptune will cause all the Phi Delts to want to get into your pants.
Capricorn: Do not look behind you. Seriously!!!!
Aquarius: Do to the loosening of Orion’s Belt, eat nothing but strawberry ice cream for the next week.
Pisces: The shadow of the moon indicates that you should stay indoors today to ignore serious societal repercussions.