Does Your Education Ever Feel Like Military Training?

By Meg Susong

Prepping for the military is normally done in military schools—that only makes sense. If one wanted to go into a career in the armed forces, they would attend such notable schools as West Point, Annapolis, and so on and so forth.

However, in today’s dangerous world, with the war going on and terrorists in our own backyards, the government has decided that they need to step up what we learn at college. They have cited the need for the “bigger picture” of militarization. The ultimate goal is the total annihilation of civilians, or people not in the service. Think of it like a draft, except that they neglected to mention it to several million people.

A key component of this militarization is the food. Studies have shown that food is an essential part of life, and is needed to survive and prosper in the world. Without it, scientists have found that you are likely to perish, or at least not perform quite up to par.

So, as part of the “bigger picture”, the cafeteria now serves the students sub-par food. Yes, little known to society today, school cafeterias once served 3-course meals, complete with the fine dinning experience of serenades and ballroom dancing.

Eventually, however, the same scientists who found that food is essential did another study that found that ballroom dancing interferes negatively with studying. They found that students were spending an average of 3 hours per meal in the cafeteria, which was beginning to hurt grades. So, the fine dining experience was removed, and the food made average.

Several years ago, the government then funded the schools (private or not) to serve worse food, which brings us to the sub-par level we are currently at in our not-so-fine dinning experience. The reasoning behind this shift is to prepare us for the worst. In wartime, food is not exceptional, nor usually all that good, so if that is what our bodies have adjusted to, then we will have already adapted for harsh times.

Another way of preparing us for dire times is by manipulating our sleep schedule. Have you ever wondered why it is that the students receive the 3rd highest workload? It is all for the purpose of sleep deprivation. The professors hand out work that they know, combined with the average college’s student desire to party, cannot possibly be completed on a normal schedule of eight hours of sleep along with attending classes regularly.

The reasoning behind controlling our sleep is to prepare us, again, for the trials of war. We need to be able to function at a high capacity on little sleep, hence the amount of work presented to be completed properly and promptly.

There are other ways that students are adapted into a military lifestyle. The constant presence of golf carts prepares us for armored vehicles, which, in a warzone, would be prominent.

Why do you think we have to take FRAs? Physical fitness is key in the military, and being fit greatly increases chances for survival and a hostile takeover of a country.

The professors prepare us for the inevitable control of dictators. Even the landscape is shaped to resemble the woods or open field, to prepare for different terrains.

The first-years, like real trainees, face the harshest conditions. They are denied Pirate bikes in order to be prepared for grueling work. Then, once they complete enough hours (remember, it is all part of the “bigger picture”), they earn the right to hoard them at their apartments. In truth, this only furthers the cycle, but those who have gained the advantage rarely think of those who haven’t. This also ties into teaching survival of the fittest. The fittest (in this case, the upper-class people), have the vehicular advantage over the new recruits (being the first-years).

Pirate Training is also a first-year initiation. Teamwork is an important skill to have in the presence of the enemy, and thus every first-year attends a “fun workshop” to teach such skills. On a side note, the people selected for the various team activities are really being singled out to assess those who might be pulled aside later to perform specialized tasks.

Paideia is also a way to reach those who might have transferred a semester or two in. The government is going all out on this one and leaving no stone unturned. In Paideia, those conversations and reading all have subtle meanings towards, of course, the “bigger picture.”

Why, you might ask, are all these actions necessary? Why does the government desire to end the notion of civilians?

The simple answer is that the government is trying to curb these so-called radicals and people with independent thought that they have heard about. Some even say that democracy itself is coming to an end, but those are simply absurd rumors. My Paideia professor explained that to me.

In the end, it is all part of making us the greatest nation ever. Bring it on Russia.

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