SU: A Party School

Written by Brian Tidwell

In the midst of an increasingly heated war against the rating system, Southwestern University has gained another honor, being named one of the nation’s top party schools.

Any typical school would celebrate such an occasion with a weekend of drunken revelry to rival anything the world has seen before. However Southwestern students, already known for attending a college with one of the nation’s highest workloads, are reacting with stress.

“I don’t know if I can take the pressure anymore,” a visibly exhausted frat boy slurred after last Wednesday’s “Study Break” party. He was cradling a red cup, the cheap beer within diluted by a tear or two.

“It’s already hard enough with professors giving us egregious amounts of homework to maintain our workload ranking, now all of the fraternities and sororities are going to have to party that much harder; we definitely have to defend our party school ranking.”

After he said this, the student fell over and began making slurred references to Will Farrell comedies. By the time a group of supportive students came along to help him to a room, these had descended into references to Ben Stiller comedies, a sure sign of inebriation.

Similar complaints are being repeated in frat houses and dorm rooms across campus. The pressure of being one of the nation’s top party schools has insidiously worked its way into every aspect Southwestern. Parties are being placed on calendars along with tests, students schedule their attendance at various fraternity parties around studying and time budgets now include such entries as “8 to 10, study; 10 to 12 Kappa Alpha party; 12 to 2, memorize Chinese characters.”

“I honestly don’t know what I am supposed to do,” a student said at a Friday night off-campus-party. “I took my laptop on the bus over here so I could work on a few of the essays I have due next week. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a little more work done on the way back. That stupid rating has made everything so hard. I want to party and have a good time, but with both ratings, there is just too much pressure.”

However, a few people are hopeful about Southwestern’s new ratings. SU Police and SU faculty remain confident that the increased workloads and the greater variety of parties stemming from the ratings will allow for students to find new and interesting ways to squeeze in both their academic and social careers.

“I imagine a Southwestern where students, of legal age of course, will not be able to get a beer at a fraternity party without doing a simple calculus problem. As a student wanted more expensive liquors they would be required to do more complex math. Not only would this help students study for their exams, it would cut down on drinking. It’s hard enough to perform integrations in a dorm room, imagine trying to do it at a party.”
After that brief comment the professor resumed creating what I assumed to be an impossibly long and unreasonably difficult exam.

Professors of other disciplines are not quite as enthused. “I think it would be unrealistic to assume that fraternities would require essays from students to gain entrance to parties,” a despondent philosophy professor said.

Meanwhile, those in charge of the ratings system show no signs of slowing down. An anonymous source close to the ratings system had indicated that Southwestern was due for many more honors, whether they were factual or simply made up. “We’ve got a lot in store for Southwestern over the next year.”

I’m not saying anything for certain, but I think we just might place Southwestern on top of lists like “Most Environmentally Friendly Colleges”, “Most Anti-Ninja Institutions” and the bombshell “Colleges Most Friendly to Cat Lovers.” That should teach President Schrum to speak up against the ratings system.

Perhaps an exhausted Southwestern student summed up the situation most adroitly when, in the last fleeting moments of consciousness before collapsing into an alcohol and work induced stupor, said, “Southwestern, couldn’t it be just a little bit easier? I love you though.”

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